Lieutenant Colonel His Illustrious Highness Osborne, Count Wrigley of Håle has sent this:
“Here is my statement:
I am standing for President of Ladonia as the leader of the pacifist Kill Everything Party.
Those of us who are privileged to be citizens of Ladonia have seen our country from a number of viewpoints, depending on where we have lived and what we have done. For me, it has been as a boy growing up in a dictatorship and as a young man getting educated in one of the most ancient countries on Earth. To me, our strange young country is a living, breathing presence, unimpressed by what others say is impossible, proud of her own success and her citizens, generous, never mean and always willing to provide a better life for her people.
Sadly, our incumbent inanimate President has done nothing to further Ladonia’s progress.
I want us to take up the unfinished business of perfecting our nation and building a better Ladonia.
Most Ladonians still do not speak our wonderfully expressive language. To them I say, “waaaaal ÿp, ÿp waaaaal”.
In the interests of fairness, I will create a Ministry of Ugliness and Crouch to parallel the current Ministry of Art and Jump.
I will end all our current wars by killing everything.
I am in this race not just to hold an office, but to transform a nation.
Vote for change. Vote for peace. Vote for victory.
Vote for the guy with the really long name.”